When The End Is Just The Beginning

This place has been quiet. Life has been busy, full and the Tilt-a-Whirl has continued. A little over 10 months ago, we got the call. We brought home a 4 day old baby girl. She is healthy and perfect and is continuing to thrive in our home. In that moment, an end became a beginning. The worry and unknown of the licensing process became the worry and unknown of a precious life that we were entrusted with. There is so much detail and so many of God's fingerprints that I want to share, but just can't right now. I pray that day will come.

There have been so many lessons learned in the last 10 months. So many things that God has impressed on my heart to share. Peace is to be found, only through Jesus. There is certainly practicality to this. There are things to be done, steps to be taken, in the midst of the chaos to allow the peace of God, which is beyond understanding, to wash over our hearts. In the waiting for God to do only what He can do, there are things that I have learned to do.

1. Be present. I have chosen to find peace in being present in the moment. In a situation where I don't know the outcome, where tomorrow is never guaranteed and things are always fluid and changing, I can find peace in today. Today I can hug all my children and embrace each moment I get to spend with them. I enjoy and cherish each of my babies so much more than I did before. If I allow myself to go into the beyond, into the unknowns of the future, I will waste the todays that I have.

" Who of you by worrying can add a

single hour to your life" Luke 12:25

We are choosing to live in the moments that we have and trust God with the hours and days to come that are yet unknown.

2. Be with Jesus. Laying it ALL at his feet. Literally offering up this sweet peanut's life for him to hold and have. Picturing her snuggled against his chest as I snuggled her against mine. I have reflected so many times on the story of Hannah. Hannah prayed for a child and then gave him back to the Lord. I prayed for peanut, for months before she was born and came to us. I have given her back to the Lord. Each one of our children are His. Living in the unknown future with a child has brought my heart to a place of surrendering each of them to Him in a way I couldn't have otherwise. He has led me to a place of surrender. A place where I am wholly dependent on Him in each moment. Although it is not comfortable and I pray will end quickly, there is no sweeter place to be.

3. Lean on others. The relationships in our home, my marriage and relationships with each of our older kids have grown in ways they never would have. We have learned to lean on each other in moments of doubt or fear; To talk about hard things in gentle ways. The relationships in my life that are steady and Christ guided have brought so much peace and steadiness in the midst of chaos.

4.Look for the future. While there is so much of our future that is unknown, so much that is scary and hard, we have made choices that bring hope to the future. We are making prayerful choices that will bring hope and steadiness, choices with predictable outcomes, so that our hearts aren't solely wrapped up in the hard. I am continuing to make family, ministry and life goals that don't depend on the outcome of our peanut. This has allowed me to not be single focused and loose myself in the fear of the unknown.

"For God has not given us a spirit 

of fear and timidity, but of power, 

love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

Much remains unknown and unsettled, in her case and my heart. My heart has done SO much wrestling. I have had sleepless nights worrying about that which I can't control. And yet, when I call on His Name, God has brought such perfect peace. Peace that is beyond understanding and that I couldn't have come to on my own. Learning to live in the chaos, to roll around in the mud with this sweet girl, to fight the right battles and leave the rest, has been far more challenging than I ever could have imagined.

We are in a period of time in our country, with the COVID-19 outbreak, where we are all learning to live in the chaos. Because of the autoimmune disease in our household, because my husband is on immunosuppressive therapy and because we have a baby in our household, we have chosen to self-isolate. We are blessed my husband has been allowed to work from home. Our family of 6 has been in the house for many now. There are certainly moments of chaos, of fear and uncertainty, knowing that our family is at high risk of complications from this virus.

But in the midst of the chaos, there can be peace.

If I have learned anything from the last months, it is that God can be trusted. We have seen him move mountains for our little peanut and have had our faith strengthened. I still have moment of high doubt, of fear. Someday, I hope to be able to share his fingerprints with you. Until then, pray for our little peanut. Pray for her safety and that God's ultimate plan for her life would bring Him the maximum glory. Pray for our hearts. Pray for our nation.