Embracing the Tilt-a-Whirl

When I was a kid, my parents took us to Great Escape in Upstate New York. We were back home visiting my grandparents for a few weeks and had made the roughly hour and a half drive to spend the day as a family riding the various theme park attractions. I don't remember much about that day. I must have been 7 or 8 because my sister was a baby. There is one series of moments, one ride, that never left me the same. I got on carefree and innocent of what was about to happen. I walked off wiht a fear of heights and a distaste for amusement park rides that has never subsided.
My mom and I boarded what we thought was an enclosed tea cup with my baby sister in our arms. We should have never been allowed to board. As soon as the attendant finished the safety checks, the ride started spinning, just as we had anticipated. But then,,, it started rising in the air and when it had finished, in a final step of my theme park nightmare, it started spinning end over end as well as around and around. Screaming ensued as my mom tried desperately to hold onto my sister. I think I puked when we got off. I remember being so very thankful for the solid ground under my feet. It felt safe and sure. I could count on it. I avoid theme park rides to this day.
My life lately has felt like my theme park nightmare. Just when I think I know what is going to happen, something else is thrown in. There is nothing I can do, nothing I can make the ride over more quickly and life to return to what I thought of as normal, or at least a new normal. I didn't know what I didn't know when my carefree self jumped on that ride all those years ago and that is certainly the case now.
I have moments of doubt, that this may never happen, that we may never be placed. I have moments were I feel so sure of what is going to happen next, only to be disappointed by my own expectations. I have moments of peace where my heart is just good with whatever happens next. My emotions and my heart are pretty all over the place.
Being out of control is the thing that I hate most in life. I am known for having back up plans to my back up plans. This is stretching me. I knew going in that this would be the case. I knew that this would likely by the biggest free fall of faith that I have ever taken. That I would have to jump with both feet and my whole heart, never knowing what might come next.
That doesn't make the waiting or the unknown easier. Growing is never comfortable. I have felt so much like Jacob when he wrestled with God in the night. Jacob knew that he had been promised blessing and that he was walking in the Father's will, but he wrestled with God over the timing of his blessing.
God has a plan, His timing is always perfect. His blessing always comes at the exact right moments. My head knows this, but like Jacob, my heart needs to wrestle it out. To come to trust him in a new and deeper way because I have wrestled with it. So I will wrestle, I will allow my head and the knowledge that his plan is perfect to coach my heart to arrive at the same place. Only then, when I can trust him and that He knows what comes next, can I really find joy in the ride.