Courage and Doubt

Courage and Doubt. These two words are traditionally opposites. You are either courageous or doubtful. You are either pressing forward or paralyzed by doubt and fear. One is stuck and the other is full of forward motion. Does this have to be? Can courage and doubt be experienced together in harmonious faith?

Could it be that experiencing courage and doubt together is the essence of faith? Merriam-Webster defines faith as "firm belief in something for which there is no proof". Firm belief takes courage, especially in something where there is room for great doubt. Courage and doubt are ingrained in faith, a constant push and pull, one always trying to take over the other. We will never see with our eyes the physical manifestation of our faith this side of heaven. Unlike the disciples, we can't see the resurrected Jesus or put our hands in his wounds. We must look for the supernatural evidence of God's work in our own hearts and those around us to see evidence of our faith. This evidence isn't concrete, like the high rises downtown. It is unseen but felt, like a cool breeze across your face.

Last year, I took a leap of faith. For me, it was a free fall of great proportions. Walking back into a place where my heart had been hurt and doubt had greatly taken over courage. I had little proof that things would be different, but a great supernatural confidence that they would. In those first moments and days, although God was whispering to my heart that He had me, I struggled to have the courage I needed. I doubted that the circumstances that I was currently in would be any different than those that left my heart shattered. I was overly cautious and constantly questioning.

God did something in my heart in those early days of 2018. Like the cool breeze on a fall day, He blew life back into parts of my heart that been dead. He used those around me to build courage and while the doubt still remains, because life is still full of hard moments and circumstances, I have learned to have courage in my doubt. I have learned that God has me and has a great calling on my life. I have become grateful for my hardest moments in my life, because without them, I wouldn't have the opportunities that I have today. Those circumstances, that I thought at the time had ended what I thought God's calling on my life had been and left me confused and bitter, have now opened the door to something far greater. Great doubt led to a slow flame of courage that has turned into a raging fire in my heart, passionate about doing that which God has called me to do. My doubt now fuels my flame of courage, in faith.

I don't know what the future holds. Doubt is still ever present, looming over the unknown. Yet courage pulls the other way, growing my faith and stepping me closer to the things that God has for me to do. Without doubt, there would be no reason for faith. So I am grateful for doubt today and the supernatural courage to overcome it.